Trainman1405 In Real Life: Letting My Emotions, Thoughts, and Feelings Run Loose

Last Sunday I turned 20. I’m officially two decades old. I haven’t made a Trainman1405 In Real Life post in six months, so I’m making one now. I don’t really know what to call it. It’s kind of a train wreck, since I wrote it at 2 in the morning and as just kept typing and typing as the thoughts popped into my head. Part of it’s a reflection of life, part of it’s just me talking about how I’ve really been feeling, ranting, and….yeah. If you want a personal look into how things have been for me lately, here’s your chance. But be warned, this post is all over the place. I didn’t go back and proofread it, edit it, none of that.

Life has been tough for me since I age 12. A lot’s happened and changed in the past decade for me. I’m not here to give you all a sob story, and don’t worry, I recognise the fact that some people have it far worse than me. But it doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to feel sad about stuff.

Some major things that have happened to me in the past 10 years include getting a dog, joining Club Penguin, coming down with chronic fatigue/mystery disease, losing three grandparents, making lots of friends, losing friends, meeting my current girlfriend, learning how to code, and of course starting this and other blogs.

Five years ago (I can’t believe it’s been that long already) in ninth grade we had to read To Kill a Mockingbird for the ‘loss of innocence’ unit we were talking about. For those of you who are a bit young and haven’t yet heard of that term yet, it’s basically growing up and learning that the world isn’t a picture perfect place. When 9/11 happened, I was only six years old, so I didn’t understand the severity of the act of terrorism. I was too young to comprehend such a thing. But as I got older, the more I understood it, and understood just how bad of a person some people are in this world. That’s basically what the loss of innocence is. Unlike the losing of virginity, there is not one single defining moment of the loss of innocence. It’s just a natural part of growing up. The older you become, you begin to see the harsh realities of this world.

So, back to the whole chronic fatigue/mystery disease thing. I’ve covered it a little bit in past Trainman1405 In Real Life posts, namely this one. But one thing I’ve never felt like covering is how it truly makes me feel. So, I guess, what better time to do that than now.

In the past few years, especially the past few weeks, I’ve felt depressed from it. I’m not officially diagnosed with depression or anything, but trust me when I say this, it’s depression. I’ve wanted to (and sometimes still want to) die. I’ve made some choices that necessarily aren’t the best and were/are harmful to me. I have some baggage, and I’m not afraid to admit to that. It’s just since that a majority of my audience and fans are so young, I like to be a role model to them. I don’t curse, I act polite, and help people out when I can.

But let me back track a little bit on this thing I’m calling chronic fatigue/mystery disease that’s sort of kind of ruined my life.

In the middle of sixth grade I no longer had the energy to wake up at 6 in the morning for school. I was too tired. No, not I need more sleep tired. Tired as in no energy tired. Tired as in even moving around or doing schoolwork mentally exhausts me. Tired as in, during my high school years I couldn’t even (and still can’t) drive because my driving is impaired due to this fatigue and low energy.

Tired as in I spent a total of only a few months in school between when this began in the middle of sixth grade and the end of high school. (Granted I was homeschooled for 11th and 12th grade, but still)

Tired as in I had no friends to hang out with. I don’t even remember hanging out with a friend since the time I went to a baseball game with my old friend Kym in 9th grade. (spoiler alert: the few friends I had throughout the middle and high school years are no longer my friends since connections are severed)

Tired as in I HAVE no friends.

Tired as in it takes me extra long to get stuff done because it takes me longer to think things through.

Tired as in I make mistakes on the simplest of math problems.

Tired as in tired of life. People. Everything.

I just want to step away from it, ya know?

In 8th grade I was feeling better-ish for whatever reason. Sure, I was still fatigued, but I was in school a lot compared to other years. I had some friends and we goofed off in school. I ran track on the school’s team. I honestly loved 8th grade, because that’s when I felt my best. That’s when I got a taste of what it’s like to be able to actually do stuff.

I know the past is the past and you’re not supposed to dwell on it, but now can I not do that if it’s all I’ve got?

Chronic fatigue or whatever the heck it is I have is the single most frustrating thing I have ever had to endure, all these long years and who knows when I’ll get “better’.

I’ve tried countless treatments, medicines, supplements.

Nothing. Works.

So how am I supposed to remain optimistic for my future?

I was robbed of my teenage years.

No friends, and unable to go out.

My friends went out to the high school football games, to see movies, to drive around town and hang. Me? I was home, unable to go out because I was too tired.

It’s not like I was wasting my life on the computer. I had and still have no other choice. I can’t go out much. If I go out and be physically active I’m going to feel even more exhausted and drained of what little energy I have for the next several days.

I’ve never been to prom, or homecoming, never will.

Sure, middle school and high school years are filled with drama and fake people, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t good moments. There are.

And I’ll never be able to experience them.

It’s quite a frustrating thought.

What did I do to deserve this?

Seriously, what?

I didn’t ask for it.

I don’t want it.

I want to feel 100% like most people do.

I want to be able to go out with friends. I want to have friends. I want to be able to drive. I want to go to college out of state or something.

But instead, here I am, stuck at home because my body sucks.

It’s been seven years and counting.

I’m waiting.

Sure, I’ll have semi-good days, or sometimes I’ll just suck it up and go with mind over matter, but those days are far and few and I can’t always do it.

Even now I’m having trouble. When the heck am I going to be able to move out? Do I even enjoy computer science, my major in college? Eh. I have a love/hate relationship with it. But there’s no other major that interests me. So what am I supposed to do in life? Sit and wait out the next 60 years? No thanks.

Woe is me, right?

Luckily, through all of this though, I’ve had Club Penguin. I know it’s very uncommon and strange for a 20 year old guy like me to be playing the game. I agree, it is. I don’t even consider myself a true player of the game, since I don’t log on to “play” it anymore. I only go on for the upgrades.

Blogging about Club Penguin is what helps keep me grounded. It’s a hobby to fill the void, something to pass my time, get some social interaction, something I’m unable to get in the real world, and help others – something I genuinely enjoy doing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not in the blogging business for the money. I still play and blog about Club Penguin because, like I said, it’s a hobby to help pass the time since I’m always home. That’s why I (sometimes) blog so quickly: I haven no life. I want to, but my body unfortunately won’t let me. So I sit in front of the computer all day.

Thanks to Club Penguin I’ve met some of my closest friends, and even my girlfriend of almost three years. I’m fortunate in that sense, and I’m thankful for it. It was never my goal to become “popular”, but thanks to it I’ve been able to keep a blog to pass my time.

That, my friends, is why I play Club Penguin at 20 and how I’ve truly felt about life.

On a closing note, Blue October is my favourite band. Their songs have helped me get through the times I’ve been going through rough patches. Questioning life and everything around me. Laying in bed, laying on the floor, feeling upset, unsure, and unwanted. They are my therapy.

The same goes with Stars.

And The Airborne Toxic Event.

Music is great stuff.

I’ll see you in the next post.

48 thoughts on “Trainman1405 In Real Life: Letting My Emotions, Thoughts, and Feelings Run Loose

  1. Even though I’ve quit for a while now, I still enjoy looking at what you’re up to and right now I just wish I could go over to your house and chill or something. This comment makes no sense but meh

  2. ik ur life may not be all that great right now but u just have to take life day by day ya know? even if all hope seems lost just remember one thing: trust in God, he has a plan for u and he will not forget u or leave u :) he has already walked though all of your life and he knows the ending and who knows the ending of the book could have a multimillion air named trainman (or whatever ur name is) u just have to live life and see wat it brings u. you never know when opportunity will come knocking :) btw have u ever considered rehab? (not trying to be rude or mean but it could help :) )

    one thing I must ask (and u don’t have to answer if u don’t want to) how does ur love life work on CP? (i’m really skeptical of that kind of online dating so that’s why i’m asking)

    • Thanks for saying that, zoom zoom. I appreciate your kind words.

      I don’t mind you asking — we met on a Club Penguin website, specifically a forum. We don’t have our dates/chat on Club Penguin or anything, we text and Skype.

  3. This sounds like me, I don’t have chronic fatigue though. I’m just some lazy head that lounges in front of the computer. I use R5 and Fall Out Boy as therapy. I understand your thoughts, too. Just remember, things could be looking up soon.

  4. I rarely smile, cry, or feel anything because of watching videos / reading stuff on the internet (virtually in general).

    And that acctually made me cry.

  5. Train, I am 17, so not everyone on here is drastically younger than you (not sure if 17 sounds young to a 20 year old). I rarely go on CP, but rather reference your blog for the updates. Club Penguin was the main game that I played as a child, but obviously I am now too old to fully play the game.
    I am one who has stuck around your blog since the beginning, and I really appreciate all of the information that you post! I actually have always kind of wished that I could be friends with you in real life because I have always found you to be a great person. Hit me an email sometime ;)
    I also understand that you may get a sinking feeling when you think of the fact that you will be doing computer programming for the next 60 years… Everyone has that feeling when they enter their jobs for the first time. However, if you have a different mindset, then things can quickly turn the other way around. Just think of all the kids lives that you have changed on this blog. Just think of all of the lives you are going to change when you become a part of the real world. Anyone can make a difference- it all depends on how much effort you put into it. Even if you only have a certain amount of energy, putting 100% of it into your work will get you far in the world.
    Have a nice day. And just to let you know, I don’t know what I would do if you stopped blogging. I check your site multiple times a day, even though I never truly play CP. Now that is something special!

    • Thank you, Nathan, I appreciate your comment and kind words. If you want I can definitely send you that email. :p

  6. We`re similiar in many ways. Never had chronic fatigue, more like chronic laziness and dumbassness which ruined my life too. I know how you feel & I fell sorry for it. I had no life from like 14, done some stuff, stayed for the second year on grade 9, cuz I decided to ditch school, then got to the orphanage which was more like juvenile detention center for 2 years. Finished grade 9, but was unable to visit the prom because my grandfather died. Exactly after 3 months my grandma passes away, and my cat a week after. Grandparents were the ones who raised me since I was two. Got depressed, turned emo, became sarcastic sociophob, ditched school again at grade 11. Now, I am getting back on track, kinda. I know my friends since the 1st grade (one of them – since the kindergarten) and they are still with me. I was thinking about suicide, alot. But then I realized that I was the one to blame for almost everything bad that happened to me. I screwed my life myself & I need to fix it. And I need to have something I never had – gotta live teen life. Felling like a 15 years old now and dont give a care of what everyone else thinks about me…
    I`m 19 actually. Club Penguin for me is just pure nostalgia. I go on only for updates to get items, pins, etc.
    Dont give up, Train. At least while you have something or someone to live for.
    P.S. is Saraapril your girlfriend?

    • Hey Assnfiks,

      I’m sorry to hear all that has happened to you, but I’m glad you’ve been able to “save yourself” and be on an upward trend to fixing things. If you ever need to chat, I’m here. :)

      And no, Saraapril isn’t my girlfriend. Penny44546 is:

  7. Train I never knew that you’ve had so many problems. Don’t slip into depression. Be proactive. If you’ve lost your friends go out more and make new ones or meet up with old ones. WE ARE ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU TRAIN, DON’T EVER FORGET THAT.

  8. So this is what it’s like to get hit in the feels…

    I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I feel, dude. I sincerely hope you get better, but I’m glad we’ve been able to help you through some of this, even if only a little bit.

  9. I don’t know where to start with this. Wow. I have been diagnosed with depression and my parents have been telling me since the start as a baby I would never stop crying. I’m basically doomed. Your disease sounds horrible, and have deep symphony for you. I’ve been having my problems, but thanks to this, I know and finally understand that I’m not the only one down in the dumps… and know we all have to just get through it even in the most hardest of trials.

    Hope you make it, and thank you SkaterTrain1405.

    • Unfortunately not — I just hadn’t gotten around to approving other comments on this post when you left yours.

  10. I understand what you mean dude, I’ve been there too. Everyone says it will get better, but it seems like it never does. When will it get better?! I know words don’t magically make everything better, but if you ever just wanna talk, hit me up on email or Twitter anytime. Hang in there bro. I’m rooting for ya. You’ve always been such a great guy, and you should be proud of all you’ve done, and will do. I’m here for you anytime. :)

    Your friend, Bloxxerman aka Josh :)

  11. I completely understand how you feel, I’ve gone through a lot of that in the past. I hope everything settles down, and you be able to do a lot more than you could possibly imagine. :)

    Just remember that I’ll always be your friend no matter what, I’m always on Club Penguin, and you can stop by anytime and I’ll be there for you 24/7.

    Sorry to hear what you’re going through, and I hope you feel better.

    Your friend, Cloud Flame :)

  12. I know how you feel,i have asperger and well is hard too,i get tired easly too,i never know what to say
    to people..but well as bigger the challenge, the greater the prize.Hope helped,if not i am sorry,have a nice day :)

  13. Train wow so sorry but Train while your life is sad you’ve given all of us happy memories dude CP memories. Ask anyone here and they’ll agree.

    Also try watching Monty Pyton movies when you’re feeling down it might lighten the burden of sadness.
    May you’re future be bright.

  14. I know this is late but still, I really feel like to comment in here.

    While I do not have the exact same situation as yours (chronic fatigue) nor other cases related to it (depression for instance), I am still stuck trying to figure out what to do. Ever since I was smaller, I didn’t have a big fear of the future until now; mostly thanks to people I’ve met.

    I have a fear of:

    *Losing Friends
    *Trying to make somebody to hate me while I try the opposite
    *Being rejected
    *Future plans
    *Not being able to get in college
    *Getting a worse reputation than I have right now

    I worry about many things. Some people (mostly virtual friends or my parents tell me to do such things. I’ve really wanted to get more real life friends, and even get a girlfriend. Many times I try to do such things, it actually seems like I have a bad luck inside of me.

    Whenever I talk to a girl, about every 90% of the time I get

    *Answered back but with close answers (yes-no usually); vague answers like if she was trying to avoid the conversation as soon as possible

    Some people may say that luck doesn’t exist, that we make our own luck. Maybe that’s true. However, some people who’ve made their own luck share it with others, making other people lucky. I’ve known a classmate who was almost exactly in my same case back then (if I’m right). He played CP, he didn’t have an active social life, etc. This school year, he was dating out with a girl he liked, then the girl rejected him. The boy felt sad and it seemed like in under a month another girl felt sorry for him. The other girl seemed like she was trying to cheer him up, make him feel better, present him to her other friends and now he is one of the most popular boys in town in just under a week. He’s liked by many people. He has many friends and best friends. He gets invited to everything and all thanks to…her…Now it seems like both of them are getting attracted. It’s most boys’ dreams and for him, it became a reality…

    A reality for sure that I feel is that why few people like me is probably because apparently they have different perspectives, they judge me without even knowing me, or because they simply aren’t interested in me. I also feel like they’ve heard from me by other people who maybe gave me a bad image to me; a bad reputation.

    I’ve been rejected many times. Disliked many times. Abandoned many times. I try to keep it strong…

    …but it’s hard.

    If I cry. I fear that I’d get even more hated and maybe that was the base of why many people hated me back then and some still dislike me now. Due to express my feelings like if I was some sort of crybaby…

    Some people are completely biased and probably think that I am stupid. Few people actually know who I am actually. I’ve always wanted at least SOMEBODY from the opposite gender whom I like to like me. I’d like somebody like me to like me. Sometimes I feel like crying, but crying only demonstrates you how weak you hare for not being strong. Sometimes I also hide my feelings and even test other people’s reactions. Some are actually sad.

    In reality, I can be the contrary of stupid, but many people still think that. NOBODY (except my family) knows that I play Club Penguin. If I say a word about it, I have the fear to get rejected even MORE. I have the fear to get a worse reputation. I have the fear to not find more love. I have the fear and worries of many things…I’m shy, mostly because of the experience I had. Some people are simply lucky thanks to other people. FEW people actually demonstrated to be polite to me, and that’s something I genuinely appreciate.

    I just wish many people give me a chance. I just wish many girls would give me the chance to know more of me. To uncover the real me. To see me. I am waiting for a light, in this dark, cold, blue space. Instead of seeing light, I usually see indifferent reactions, or checkmarks.

    I want a girl to give me strength. To GIVE me a reason to live. To motivate me. Right now I barely know what to do. Right now I feel…hopeless…

    As for your case, just keep it strong man…I do know for a fact that you’re a role model for many people, but many people go through hard times. In fact, everybody does. We all feel these type of emotions, it’s just that some people hide it. Others express it.

    I know many other people have worse lives, and I recognize a fact that commenting in here won’t do anything for me, but I felt the urge of express what I feel as well. I do know for a fact that things will get better soon…I just don’t know when, and how… I just want things to get better as soon as possible.

  15. Honestly you’re so strong for even getting to the point of where you are, to be able to write this at 2 in the morning and to admit to yourself what happened and being brave enough to say to the world how you really feel and have it mean something. i love how even through all the bs, you still strive to be a role model for the younger kids here on your site. know that whenever you’re feeling down, there are people all around you who love you and want you to succeed- everyone from your girlfriend, your family, to strangers online like me. i am so touched by your story and admire your courage to keep pushing. stay strong, okay?

  16. Hi, you may not remember me, I’m Alex (formely known as Luigi755 in CP) and you’re right, life sucks… But not because of you, because of the people that always judge the first thing they see… I’m sure you are a good guy, and everyone will be grateful to have you as a friend, you can consider me as one (though I live in México) bye for now ;)
    -Alejandro Romero (Luigi755)

  17. Hi Trainman, I know we never really talked but I just want you to know that I’ve been a fan of you for a while now. And even though I quit Club Penguin, I still sometimes go on for nostalgic reasons and I always think of looking at your site to see how Club Penguin has changed since I last saw it and I’ve always appreciated all of your posts. You do amazing posts and work really hard. And After reading this, I think it’s incredible that you’re able to share something like this. I know that it’s not easy to share these kind of things. I know you’ve been through a lot, and I just want to reassure you that you’re not alone. You’ve got all of your amazing fans with you. We’re always going to be here for you. :) And I know that life can be hard, but you’ll get through it! I know you will. I hope things will get better for you and Thank you for everything that you do for us. :) Stay Strong!

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