Last Sunday I turned 20. I’m officially two decades old. I haven’t made a Trainman1405 In Real Life post in six months, so I’m making one now. I don’t really know what to call it. It’s kind of a train wreck, since I wrote it at 2 in the morning and as just kept typing and typing as the thoughts popped into my head. Part of it’s a reflection of life, part of it’s just me talking about how I’ve really been feeling, ranting, and….yeah. If you want a personal look into how things have been for me lately, here’s your chance. But be warned, this post is all over the place. I didn’t go back and proofread it, edit it, none of that.
Life has been tough for me since I age 12. A lot’s happened and changed in the past decade for me. I’m not here to give you all a sob story, and don’t worry, I recognise the fact that some people have it far worse than me. But it doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to feel sad about stuff.
Some major things that have happened to me in the past 10 years include getting a dog, joining Club Penguin, coming down with chronic fatigue/mystery disease, losing three grandparents, making lots of friends, losing friends, meeting my current girlfriend, learning how to code, and of course starting this and other blogs.
Five years ago (I can’t believe it’s been that long already) in ninth grade we had to read To Kill a Mockingbird for the ‘loss of innocence’ unit we were talking about. For those of you who are a bit young and haven’t yet heard of that term yet, it’s basically growing up and learning that the world isn’t a picture perfect place. When 9/11 happened, I was only six years old, so I didn’t understand the severity of the act of terrorism. I was too young to comprehend such a thing. But as I got older, the more I understood it, and understood just how bad of a person some people are in this world. That’s basically what the loss of innocence is. Unlike the losing of virginity, there is not one single defining moment of the loss of innocence. It’s just a natural part of growing up. The older you become, you begin to see the harsh realities of this world.
So, back to the whole chronic fatigue/mystery disease thing. I’ve covered it a little bit in past Trainman1405 In Real Life posts, namely this one. But one thing I’ve never felt like covering is how it truly makes me feel. So, I guess, what better time to do that than now.
In the past few years, especially the past few weeks, I’ve felt depressed from it. I’m not officially diagnosed with depression or anything, but trust me when I say this, it’s depression. I’ve wanted to (and sometimes still want to) die. I’ve made some choices that necessarily aren’t the best and were/are harmful to me. I have some baggage, and I’m not afraid to admit to that. It’s just since that a majority of my audience and fans are so young, I like to be a role model to them. I don’t curse, I act polite, and help people out when I can.
But let me back track a little bit on this thing I’m calling chronic fatigue/mystery disease that’s sort of kind of ruined my life.
In the middle of sixth grade I no longer had the energy to wake up at 6 in the morning for school. I was too tired. No, not I need more sleep tired. Tired as in no energy tired. Tired as in even moving around or doing schoolwork mentally exhausts me. Tired as in, during my high school years I couldn’t even (and still can’t) drive because my driving is impaired due to this fatigue and low energy.
Tired as in I spent a total of only a few months in school between when this began in the middle of sixth grade and the end of high school. (Granted I was homeschooled for 11th and 12th grade, but still)
Tired as in I had no friends to hang out with. I don’t even remember hanging out with a friend since the time I went to a baseball game with my old friend Kym in 9th grade. (spoiler alert: the few friends I had throughout the middle and high school years are no longer my friends since connections are severed)
Tired as in I HAVE no friends.
Tired as in it takes me extra long to get stuff done because it takes me longer to think things through.
Tired as in I make mistakes on the simplest of math problems.
Tired as in tired of life. People. Everything.
I just want to step away from it, ya know?
In 8th grade I was feeling better-ish for whatever reason. Sure, I was still fatigued, but I was in school a lot compared to other years. I had some friends and we goofed off in school. I ran track on the school’s team. I honestly loved 8th grade, because that’s when I felt my best. That’s when I got a taste of what it’s like to be able to actually do stuff.
I know the past is the past and you’re not supposed to dwell on it, but now can I not do that if it’s all I’ve got?
Chronic fatigue or whatever the heck it is I have is the single most frustrating thing I have ever had to endure, all these long years and who knows when I’ll get “better’.
I’ve tried countless treatments, medicines, supplements.
So how am I supposed to remain optimistic for my future?
I was robbed of my teenage years.
No friends, and unable to go out.
My friends went out to the high school football games, to see movies, to drive around town and hang. Me? I was home, unable to go out because I was too tired.
It’s not like I was wasting my life on the computer. I had and still have no other choice. I can’t go out much. If I go out and be physically active I’m going to feel even more exhausted and drained of what little energy I have for the next several days.
I’ve never been to prom, or homecoming, never will.
Sure, middle school and high school years are filled with drama and fake people, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t good moments. There are.
And I’ll never be able to experience them.
It’s quite a frustrating thought.
What did I do to deserve this?
I didn’t ask for it.
I don’t want it.
I want to feel 100% like most people do.
I want to be able to go out with friends. I want to have friends. I want to be able to drive. I want to go to college out of state or something.
But instead, here I am, stuck at home because my body sucks.
It’s been seven years and counting.
Sure, I’ll have semi-good days, or sometimes I’ll just suck it up and go with mind over matter, but those days are far and few and I can’t always do it.
Even now I’m having trouble. When the heck am I going to be able to move out? Do I even enjoy computer science, my major in college? Eh. I have a love/hate relationship with it. But there’s no other major that interests me. So what am I supposed to do in life? Sit and wait out the next 60 years? No thanks.
Woe is me, right?
Luckily, through all of this though, I’ve had Club Penguin. I know it’s very uncommon and strange for a 20 year old guy like me to be playing the game. I agree, it is. I don’t even consider myself a true player of the game, since I don’t log on to “play” it anymore. I only go on for the upgrades.
Blogging about Club Penguin is what helps keep me grounded. It’s a hobby to fill the void, something to pass my time, get some social interaction, something I’m unable to get in the real world, and help others – something I genuinely enjoy doing.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not in the blogging business for the money. I still play and blog about Club Penguin because, like I said, it’s a hobby to help pass the time since I’m always home. That’s why I (sometimes) blog so quickly: I haven no life. I want to, but my body unfortunately won’t let me. So I sit in front of the computer all day.
Thanks to Club Penguin I’ve met some of my closest friends, and even my girlfriend of almost three years. I’m fortunate in that sense, and I’m thankful for it. It was never my goal to become “popular”, but thanks to it I’ve been able to keep a blog to pass my time.
That, my friends, is why I play Club Penguin at 20 and how I’ve truly felt about life.
On a closing note, Blue October is my favourite band. Their songs have helped me get through the times I’ve been going through rough patches. Questioning life and everything around me. Laying in bed, laying on the floor, feeling upset, unsure, and unwanted. They are my therapy.
The same goes with Stars.
And The Airborne Toxic Event.
Music is great stuff.
I’ll see you in the next post.